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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is the 8th and officially the last story in the Moving On series. Though we'll be seeing J/J again ...

 

The house is bigger than I expected. I don't know why I'm surprised by this. Baker Point is one of Starfleet's exclusive enclaves. Definitely a step up from the Marin high-rises. And light years from North Beach.

The housekeeper – another surprise – ushers me into the sunlight-filled room where Kathryn is waiting, a now-grown golden retriever sitting patiently by her side.
"How are you?" she asks, giving me a firm, but not too intimate hug. I know her too well, though. I can sense a bit of unease.
"Mending," I tell her. "But why the uniform? I thought you were still on leave?"
"Just trying new ones on for size. Feels good not to have extra meters of fabric," she laughs, then cocks her head. "How's Sara?"
"Back in Melbourne; classes have started," I tell her.

She nods, and I get the feeling she's about to ask something else, but I’m saved by a wail from the nearby bassinet. Kathryn chuckles as she slips off her jacket and moves to the basket. "I'm glad you're awake, " she says to its tiny occupant as she lifts him out. "Will, meet your Uncle Chakotay," she says proudly.

The baby looks at me, all unfocused innocence and surprise; his eyes are blue, the same shade as Kathryn’s. With a pang of jealousy, I realize he resembles someone else, too. That thought is cut short though, as the tyke lets out a loud hiccup. Kathryn laughs again. "Guess we need to work on the burping."
"It’s all right," I say. "What’s his name? William?"
"Don't you read your mail?" she asks lightly, unaware of just how much trouble that particular message caused. "Formally? John William Herrick IV."
"That’s a mouthful."
"It is, isn’t it?" she laughs. "But it means a lot to Jack."
"And where is your husband today?" I ask, trying to keep my voice light.
"At the lunar station," she said casually. "They're christening a new scanning system, so he has to make an appearance. He’ll be back by dinner."

I felt a pang of guilt; I owe Herrick a thank-you. But I already knew he wouldn't be home, which is why I chose this day to talk to Kathryn.
The housekeeper appears with drinks, so we sit, the dog pointedly lying between us. It seems odd to see Kathryn cradling a child, but she looks to be quite at ease. She’s come so far, I realize, from the lonely, burdened woman I knew on Voyager. I’m just sorry I haven’t had much to do with it.
"Chakotay .... Her voice breaks through my thoughts.
"Sorry," I say. "I was just thinking that every time I visit you, you’re in a new house."
She grins. "You’d be surprised at how much space this little man needs. A room for him, a room for the nurse, a guest room for his grandmother. We sort of fell into this place ....."
I’m half listening, trying to screw up the courage to begin, when her jacket catches my attention. Rather, her jacket sleeve … something’s not right. Then it hits me. The ribbon above the sleeve is blue, not her usual command red.
She stops talking and follows my gaze. "Yes?"
"Blue?" She flushes a bit. "Very observant. The official announcement is next week, but I’m taking the technology desk. Admiral Terek is retiring."
I’m confused. "What about the diplomatic corps?"
"Ah," she began. "Long story, but let’s just say I’ll never be as effective there as I’d like to be." I think she’d like to drop the subject, but I just look at her. She starts to speak, but almost on cue, the baby begins to wail. "Too much excitement, eh?" she whispers to the boy as she joggles him.

"Would you like me to take him, Admiral?" asks a disembodied voice. The interruption makes me jump, to Kathryn's amusement. "Will's nurse," she mouths over the wailing, as the pleasant-looking woman enters the room. With a bit of murmuring from both women, the fussy baby is handed off with a quick kiss from his mother.

Kathryn watches his departure with a small smile. But when she turns back to me, she has a pensive look that I know well. We can't avoid this any longer.

"Now ... would you mind telling me just why you went off by yourself?" she asked, her words soft. The idea of you lying out there alone still bothers me ... why on earth didn't you tell someone?"

"I'm sorry. I had some issues to work out. Sara and I had split up."
"I'd heard," she said softly. "I'm sorry."

I'm not surprised. I suppose her husband told her. Or perhaps B'Elanna did.
I smile wanly. "Well that, I'm trying to fix. But, to be honest, Kathryn, I didn't come to explain myself. I came to tell you that I was resigning command of Voyager. I'm taking an extended leave from Starfleet. To be honest, I may not be back."
The shock shows on her face. "Chakotay, why? You've done good work on Voyager."

I sigh and look down, not sure how to frame this. "I haven't been happy," I finally say. "I'm not sure I fit in with Starfleet anymore. I need to find out where I do fit."

She cocks her head and gives me an appraising look. "That the real reason?"

Damn her. She's going to make this hard for both of us.

"It's the truth."

"The whole truth?"

"Can't you leave it at that?"

"No, I don't think so," she says, finally sitting down. "I know accidents change people," she said, and for a moment I see pain reflected in her eyes. "But I'd like to know how that, or a lover's quarrel would cause you to make this decision."

I sigh. "All right, Kathryn. I think you already know the truth. But here it is: Sara threw me out because she realized I was in love with you. Truth is, I am."
The sadness in her eyes tells me that I was correct. "Guess she was right," she said, almost to herself.

I’m confused. "Who?"

 

She shook her head. "Never mind. Look, there's something I don't understand here. Two .. three years ago, you stood in my living room and told me you had given up. Things have been awkward, but I'd thought we'd worked through that. And now, of all times," she says, her voice rising slightly, "you come here and announce you're been in love with me. Were you lying to me then?"
"No, I really thought I'd given up," I reply. "After Moset, I realized that I was kidding myself."
"And you didn't tell me?"
"I tried. I came to see you at North Beach, remember?"
She nodded slightly. "And Jack came home."
I nodded. She sighed. "I knew we should have talked then ...."
"Would it have made a difference?"
I couldn't read her eyes, but her voice was firm. "No, Chakotay. It wouldn't have changed anything. And it doesn't change anything now, if that's what you're getting at."

"No, it's not," I say quickly, noticing that the dog is now eyeing me suspiciously. "But as much as I love Voyager, it's become too hard to serve on her. All it does is remind me that I made a mistake. That somehow, I changed our fate."

She props her chin in her hand and looks at me for a moment. "I can't speak to fate, but have you ever considered that you didn't make a mistake?" she finally asks.

My father's voice echoes in my memory, and I flinch.

"What do you mean, I didn't make a mistake?" I say roughly. "Did I misunderstand you that night? I thought you wanted a ... more intimate relationship."

Her gaze was straight on. "I did, and not for the first time. Though it was the first time I could actually indulge that particular desire."

I feel my face flush. "I should have indulged you."

She smiled. "Maybe. Or maybe not. Your decision forced me to move on; gave me some time to think, too."

"You didn't waste any time." Crap. I didn't mean for that to come out.

Her eyes flash anger for just a moment. "Did you expect me join a Vulcan monastery?" she asked, then added, more quietly, "It's interesting the things you find when you aren't looking."
Responding to that, I decide, isn't a good idea, so I stay quiet

She propped her chin back in her hand. "I do love you, you know. We spent some remarkable, if hellish, years together." She grimaced. "And you certainly saw me at my worst."
"And at your best," I remind her.

"Thank you for that," she said, smiling softly. "It took a while, but that conversation we had made me realize that perhaps I was being presumptuous; that I was assuming you'd simply fit into my life here, we'd be the happy Starfleet couple .. you on Voyager, me at headquarters. That wasn't fair to you."

I'm not sure why, but for some reason that scenario made me uneasy. "It may have worked."

"It may," she agreed, but then her eyes narrowed a bit. "On the other hand, think you'd be happy hobnobbing with the admiralty at the weekly cocktail party?"

That idea made me uneasy, too. "Are you?"

Her eyes twinkled. "Depends on the gathering afterwards. Besides, where do you think I heard about Terek's retirement?"

I'm not quite sure what to say, so I let my gaze slip past Kathryn to the table next to her. Rather, to the image sitting there. It's Kathryn and Herrick, standing with two other men -- from the resemblance, Herrick's family. All of them are in dress uniform.

As I gaze at the photo, I mull her words: "I was assuming you'd fit into my life..."

"My life ..." And at that moment, I realize that I'd forgotten something very important about Kathryn Janeway: She was, and always will be, Starfleet. It's what helped her -- helped all of us -- hold on in the Delta Quadrant. And it always was the life she intended to return to.

And from that perspective, Jack Herrick -- the son and grandson of admirals -- is the one who fits into that life. He might be the one who actually understands that side of her -- at least more than an ex-Maquis who's about to chuck Starfleet again. And I know I'd never be welcome at those weekly soirees.

"Are you happy?" I ask.

She raises an eyebrow briefly, but her face relaxes, and again, in her eyes I see the warmth they expressed during our North Beach visit. "Yes, I am." She pauses for a moment. "My mother once told me that I deserved some joy. I think I'm finally ready to believe that," she says softly.

"I'm glad you're happy. That's all I want."

"That's all I want for you, too." she replied.

"Well, maybe someday I'll find that," I say.

"What will you do?"

I sit back for a moment. I've thought about it, of course, but this is the first time I've actually had to say it. "Right now, I have a flat in Melbourne. I'm going back there for a while. After that, I'm going back to Dorvan. They could use some help."

She nods, "Sounds like a worthy endeavor," she begins, then to my surprise, she switches gears. "Please don't exile yourself .. there are folks back here who want to hear from you."

"Does that include you?" I ask

"Of course it does," she says quietly. "You're still my dearest friend." We look at each other for a moment, then she sighs. " I'm being presumptuous again aren't I? You've really come to say goodbye."

"No." The word explodes out of my mouth, startling Kathryn.

But it's the truth, the second one I've realized today. I could no more walk away from Kathryn than I stop breathing. I take a deep breath. "I need some time to get my bearings ....but goodbye? No, Kathryn, you mean too much to me ...."

She was in my arms in an instant. We hugged each other fiercely, and I could feel her tears on my neck, and my own tears streaming down my face.

"You mean too much to me, too," she whispered.

We pulled back a bit, "Look at us," she chided. I use my thumb to wipe the tears from her cheek; she laughs and returns the favor.

"We'll talk again," I promised, "but I need some time."

She nods. "I understand. But let B'Elanna ... someone know what you're doing."

I lean over to kiss her on the forehead. "I probably should go. I suspect it's feeding time."

She glances at the chronometer. "You're close," she says. Then her grip tightens. "Are you all right? I don't want you to leave with any misunderstandings."

"You love Herrick?" I'm not sure why I ask; guess I need to be absolutely sure.

I know when Kathryn is telling the truth, and her words rang true. "I do, Chakotay, very much."

I felt a door close in my heart then, but it wasn't as painful as I thought it might be. "Then I hope he knows how lucky he is."

She chuckles. "I'm pretty lucky, too. But thank you."

There wasn't much to say after that. I hug her again; she kisses my cheek, and I take my leave.

As I walk down the street to the transport station, I realize that I'm whistling ..

-end-

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