The rain is falling again as I settle into the car for the ride home. I pick up a PADD to read a report, but I can't concentrate. My mind drifts back to the question one of my students asked today.
"Admiral .. I was wondering ... Do you miss it?"
"Miss what, cadet?"
"The adventure," he said earnestly. "You discovered so much, saw so much in the Delta Quadrant. Being back on Earth must be pretty dull. "
I held back my urge to laugh and gave him my standard answer. I don't know if he believed me, but he was bright enough not to say.
But here, in the privacy of my own thoughts, I admit it: I do miss the Delta Quadrant sometimes.
I miss Neelix and his ebullience, if not the leola root.
I miss the excitement of making scientific discoveries, of first contact .. at least the good ones.
Hell, I even miss the adrenaline rush from the battles; from knowing that we cheated death once again; that we, well, kicked some alien's ass.
And these days, I definitely miss the luxury of being able to make my own decisions without reckoning with committees and regulations.
But, my young friend, there are things I will never miss:
The crushing responsibility for the crew's well-being. And the guilt and sorrow when we lost someone. Truthfully, I'd like a chance to miss the guilt ... I'm afraid it's become a permanent part of me.
I don't miss the loneliness that crept into my soul ... some days I felt as cold as the stars outside my window.
And I don't miss the pain of knowing that I couldn't have what my heart wanted most.
But then, perhaps some things are best forgotten.
The house is warm and bright ... and the smell of homemade soup teases me as I walk in the door. Chakotay casually tosses a dish towel over his shoulder as he walks down the hall to meet me. On impulse, I drop my briefcase and give him a bear hug.
He squeezes me tight, then pulls back a bit. "Bad day?" he asks, his eyes mirroring his concern.
"Not at all," I tell him. "It's just good to be home."